No Dip Sherlock
by IzzyPure
Summary: Edward left preggo Bella. She visited the Volturi and had beautiful Nessie. 20 years later she runs into the Cullen's at a highschool where Edward is determined to get her back. Saw that coming? Did you see Charlie becoming a vampire? Sue becoming a werewolf? Tanya coming at Edward with all her mother gave her? Bella being the only clumsy vampire in existence? Yeah, neither did I!
1. Chapter 1: I'm Preg and Bacon

Chapter one- Sorry Charlie

**(A/N This is a comedy and I know it isn't funny. I'm tired. However, I worked hard on Emmett's jokes. You'll see what I mean. Anyway, this is the first chapter and it gets better, trust me.)**

So...Edward left me. You saw that coming? Okay, he left me pregnant! You saw that coming too? Did you see me going to the Volturi to have the baby then running in to Edward 20 years later? Yes? God, you're good. But I bet you didn't see Charlie becoming a vampire and Sue becoming a werewolf! HA! Got you!

I'll admit, after Edward left, I was depressed. But depression is merely anger, without enthusiasm. I realized that and threw a fit. Yeah...didn't work out. 'Cause Charlie wanted to kill me anyway.

TO DA FLASHBACK

Charlie walked in, closing the door. "I hate politicians. I swear, my favorite mythical creature? An honest politician!" I sighed. My favorite mythical creature? A vampire. But you probably already guessed that.

"Dad, I have something to tell you." Now let me tell you, I should have waited for him to put his gun away. He clomped in, his face as pale as...as pale as Edward. It sparkled to...from sweat. Charlie must have been walking today.

"What Bells?" I hesitated. I wish Edward was here. (Yes, this was before he left.) He was hunting and that was good. I didn't want Charlie's bullet to rebound and hit me. I've got a lot to live for. Vampirism for one.

"Well Ch-Dad. I'm...I'm uh..." He waited patiently, still pale and sweaty. You know what confuses me? Some stories are all, "Her sweat glimmered in the sunlight and I wished to suck it off." Sigh, so romantic. I mean...GROSS. It's just disgusting. And just sad. As sad as uncooked bacon. Speaking of which, I want some bacon.

"Bells." Oh.

"I'm pregnant!" I blurt it out like the faster I say it, the sooner I get bacon. Mmm. Bacon. Oh, wait. CHARLIE! His face is turning plum, like some sort of violet ice cream. ENOUGH WITH THE FOOD!

"Edward." Oh God. He's gonna kill him.

"Are you going to kill me?" He looked up. His eyes are red, like James and for a second, I worry.

"No. I'm an apathetic sociopath. I'd kill you if I cared." My eyes widen in shock and tears fill my eyes. Charlie doesn't care. Charlie doesn't love me. "Aw Bells, I'm sorry. I made the same mistake. Just let me kill Edward. It'll be better that way. Come on Bells, take my advice. I don't use it." I giggle. He smiles in relief then stands.

"DAD!" He looks at me then runs out of the room. I stand while his car roars to life. Then I start running.

I jump into my old car and fire down the road. Or, crawl down the road. Charlie soon disappears from view. I finally arrive at the Cullen's and his car is already there. I see him in the car, glaring at the house. I scream to a stop and jump out of the car. I race to the door, beating the old man. I throw the door open and race outside. I run into Edward.

He smiles at me. "Hey Bells. Your dad is out there. Did you have a fight? He sounds mad." Jasper pops in and smiles at me.

"Yep, he's mad." Alice and the rest of the Cullen's file in, all smiling. I wipe at my tears and Edward helps me. I think of my baby. Edward is amazing. The baby will be amazing. I have to keep my baby. I will. Alice skips up to me and her smile disappears.

"You're gone." I look at her. What? "You are gone. Fuzzy, disappearing. What the heck? Bella, what did you decide?" I look at her shocked. Just to keep the baby. My eyes widen.

"Nothing." Edward cuts in.

"You are a terrible lier Bella. What's going on?" I close my eyes and breath.

"I'll let Charlie tell you. He wants to tell-" The door bangs open and Charlie stomps in, his face livid. All the Cullen's back away. Except Edward, the one who really needs too.

"GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!" Edward's eyes widen and he throws himself backwards leaving me alone. Charlie yanks me behind him and starts to yell. "YOU STUPID SON OF A BEEATCH! HOW DARE YOU? YOU HURT MY BABY! YOU MONSTER!" Edward steps forward, his eyes burning. Oh God.

"And what, sir, did I do exactly? What are you wrongly accusing me of?"

"GETTING BELLA PREGNANT!" The Cullen's gasped and Edward gaped. He shook his head and Emmett burst out laughing. We all looked at him.

"NICE EDDIE! Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don't Multiply!" Oh God Emmett.

"Well they did multiply!" CHARLIE! Edward shook his head again.

"Not possible."

"Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut? A: Don´t talk to the guy in the middle, he´s a dick." Emmett!

AND DA FLASHBACK ENDS!

Edward eventually left. Boo Hoo. Whatever. Jacob and Charlie came with me to Italy, I wanted the Volturi to help me. I had a beautifuul girl, Renessme or Nessie, for short. A vampire had to bite me to save my life after having the baby, don't ask why. I don't remeber, don't want to remember. Then Charlie got turned. I was all "HOLY CRAP YOU ARE SPARKLING! AND IT ISN'T FROM WALKING!" Yeah, poor Charlie. Then Sue turned out to be a werewolf, like Jacob, which ruined their relationship.

Yeah, sorry Charlie.

**(Iggy: Hey, it's me Iggy! Don't know who I am? Read Maximum Ride.**

**Me: Shuty Iggy. Anyway, he's kinda my betta so...he's in every story. I'll be kidnapping one of the Cullen's soon, don't worry. LOL, REVIEW! I would like some reviews to get me started. Please...:) Anyhoo, it will get better. I need the basis first so...**

**Iggy: Haha, sure it will.**

**Me: URG! SHUT UP!**

**Iggy: KK! Anyway, you know the IzzyPure way. Read, REVIEW!, Follow. R&R&F! **

**Me: Fly on...Or rather, for this story, BITE ON PEEPS! :3)**


	2. Chapter 2: Ed Returns and More Bacon

**(A/N Sorry I haven't updated. Cause I was failing Tech Ed, my Mom took away my computer. That doesn't make sense! If I'm failing technology education, shouldn't I spend MORE time on the computer? Anyway, I'm only failing because I didn't turn ONE thing in. Everything else is 100 percents in that class. GRRR**

**Iggy: You have such a weird mind Pure.**

**Me: And YOU are a horrible BETA! You are FIRED! Simon, who I kidnapped a few weeks ago for those who don't know, you are my BETA!**

**Simon: AWESOME! **

**Iggy: But...I...**

**Me: If you can't be nice Iggy, you don't say it at all!)**

**Bella POV cause she's cool like that**

Hey! I'm back! I wasn't going to continue my story for you humans, but I got bored so...

Okay, so as you know, Nessie was born and Jacob imprinted on her. They are very happy together which sets my teeth on edge. GRRRRR! But I don't want to bite Jake, that would kill him! ...okay, I do want to bite him. MWA HAHA, watch out for BELLLA! Hehehe, ohhh I still want some bacon...wait, I can't eat bacon! DANG IT! And it still smells amazing too!

Oh, you're still there. I should, uh, probably talk to you before you get bored. So um...what should I talk about?

"Bells!" AND I love you Dad! A distraction when I need it. Thanks duuuude!

"Hey Bella, dear." Sup uh... what's her name? SUE! I seriously forgot that for a second. This will be our little secret right? Don't need to tell her!

So it turns out being enemy species DIDN'T ruin their relationship. They are married and love each other very much. Thank Carlise it isn't physical, I heard enough with Emmett and that was, what, twenty years ago? I don't really keep track of time. I would have when Nessie was born but she grows really fast so...what's the point? She looks 18 and all. Which is sad, since I look 18 too. No one can know I'm a mother! Sob! Ahha, kidding. They would call me tramp and who wants to be a tramp?

"BELLA!" A flash of white shots out and starts shaking me. Charlie. Oh, guess I spaced out.

"I'm back from Bella world!" I'm there so often that Jake named it. Thank you Jake. Sarcasm, F.Y.I! Oh, I almost said F.U.I. That looks really stupid and we all know Bella isn't stupid. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Good." Nessie bounds in while she says that and jumps into my arms. Ah, kidding. She's light enough, but can you really imagine an eighteen year old girl lounging in an other eighteen year old girls arms? We get enough stares as it is.

"Mom!" Told you about Bella world. Don't worry, it's fading. It started right after Edward left. He left because I "either lied or cheated on him". He also said he didn't love me. Sadness.

"Get ready Nessie, we have school soon." She nods and bounces away. She is as bouncy as...as Alice! Ah, I miss my sweet pixie and her constipated husband who tried to kill me then looked even more constipated. He needs more fiber.

As I dally around, I start humming my lullaby that Eddie boy wrote when he loved me. I am doing pretty good, hitting the notes and...hey, look, my feet missed that step. Look, my hands are flailing. Guess what? My butt is on the ground. I land flat on my butt and hear Jacob explode with laughter. Of course he had to walk in.

"I swear, you are the only clumsy vampire in exsistence!" I growl and he laughs some more. The sad thing is, he's true. I try and get up and slip again. Why hello floor! Meet my marble prosterior!

"I wouldn't be so happy about that. You're lucky Nessie has a hard head." That shuts him up. I did drop her a lot. Hehe, she usually caught herself though, she walked before I drank blood. And I don't count the animal blood I drank when I was a whale. Sheesh, that wouldn't be fair. It's hard to walk when you are being smooshed into a bladder.

Nessie comes in, in a outfit, since she can't go to school naked and I sure as Hades wouldn't let her go in her pjs. I would describe to you all these outfits but frankly, I don't care. Shove it Alice.

We drive to school in my beautiful red ferrari. I call her baby. Just kidding, she's a freaking car! Sheesh, don't get your vampire pants in a bundle!

I get out of the car and flip my hair like a bad butt. ...maybe I should swear 'cause that sounded really weird. Nessie copies me. Jake climbs out too, duh, and slings his arm over her shoulder. They walk off ahead of me and I stand by the car watching them, touched. Awwww, look at my wolfy-vampirey item. So sweet.

Then I realize what I'm thinking and gag. I sound like a gossipy teenage girl. Goodbye sensible Bella, hello slutty Jessica! 'Course some of the girls here could rival her, mainly...Monica. She is a devil in disguise. I swear! Sometimes I see a small red bump on her head. Of course, that could be that weird hair thing called 'Bump it',that was in commercials a few months ago. Or was it a few years ago?

But I follow after them readying myself to deal with the thoughts of those perverted boys. Oh, I didn't mention? I'm a sheild who can read minds, cause I'm cool like that.

_Daaang, that Cullen is fiiine! _Did I mention I changed my name to Bella Cullen? No? Sorry. I changed my name to- oh? You caught that?

_I swear I am going to KILL her for taking Mark! _That is Monica by the way. Yeah, pretty obvious.

_I hope Ray wants to hang out! Maybe we can study for Latin and I can prove to him dragons' exsist. _That was Megan F.Y.I. **(A/N My real name is Megan so I hate when Megan's are evil so this one is Bella's BFF! Oh, JohnLockLove? Like the reference to Ray? That was for Gen! Yeah, Gen thinks the poor Ray likes me. I snort at her, as if!) **She is a little strange in the head but truly nice and not trampy! Have I been saying tramp to much? Sorry.

_...new kids. The Cullens. They have some cute boys there, though only the bronze head one is avaliable. Which is great! He's the cutest! I'm defintly taking a taste of him. We can- _Yeah, don't want to know any more. Gosh, act normal Monica. I should stop reading her mind all the time. But she always has constant sudden plans to embarress me. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Anyway, gotta focus on the Cullens. So Eddie boy is back. Aweeesome! Time to have some fun! I flip open my phone and hit the contact number. He picks up right away.

"Hi Mom, sorry I'm late to school. Eve wanted to go hunting at like one in the morning." Oh, that's Mason, my son. I had twins...I'm sorry I forgot to tell you! Geez! It's just, he stayed at his mate's house last night, DON'T want to know what they did.

"Duck is in the banana! I repeat, duck is in the banana. I need the ketchup to spray the lizard cage. Bongo knats eat cheese! You read me?" That's our code for when Edward appeared. I knew he would, 'cause I'm awesome like that. It means, 'Edward is at school. I repeat, Edward is at school. I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend now.' We have different codes for diffrent places. What's 'Bongo knats eat cheese' stand for? Nothing, why?

"I'll be there right away Mom." I hear the car purr in the background and smile. Unfortantly Mark is walking up then so he thinks the smile is for him. He also thinks some other things...

"Hey babe, wanna-" I shove past him, breaking him off.

"Sorry, got to meet my boyfriend." He gapes. "Mason."

"He's your boyfriend? I thought you were just friends!"

"Oh, well it grew during break." I shoot him a smile feeling guilty at the rejection that is crushing him. He immediatly brightens. _Ah, she'll come crawling to me soon. And we'll-_ Oh Carlisle! Don't wanna hear it! _-with a pound of bacon! _...wow. He's creative!

**AND TO EDWARD'S POV!**

I never really wanted to leave Bella. I knew she wasn't really pregnant. Maybe her period was late because she was sick, she was throwing up. I know she hadn't cheated on me, mind reader, remeber? Nobody in Forks was insanly happy. And I knew it was impossible for vampires to have children. So I knew she was just mistaken. But Jasper had attacked her and I realized, we were to dangerous. So I said I didn't love her and high-tailed it out of there. Still the worst mistake of my life.

When I went to beg for her back I found she, Charlie, and his girlfriend, Sue, had died in a car accident. Her rusty old truck was in ruins from caneering off a cliff. Let's just say I vampire cried. If you asked Emmett he would say, "He was really loud and stuff. Guess he's never losing his V-card." He missed Bella of course, they all did. If you asked Rosalie she would say, "He is way too loud and depressing. I can't have fun with Emmie anymore." Jasper would say, "He is so upset, I think I'm going to cry like a human with real tears and everything." Alice would say, "The future is all boring now, all he does is mope around and drag us with him. Pooie." Don't even ask Esme, or she'll join me. So we'll just say I vampire cried.

Then Alice made us move to this cloudy yet not really rainy place to go to school...again! I was really frustrated with her, and it doesn't help that she is singing Justine Beaver! Justin Beiber? Who the Hades is that?

_OMIGODS! He is delicious! Isn't it awesome that the hot one is free? I'll talk to him at lunch... _A girl named Monica eyes me with intrest. I shudder. She's even worse then Jessica Stanley!

_I'll just go over to Bella, she can't resist this... _BELLA! I whirl around and...hit a locker. I fall onto my stone butt. Fortuantly, no humans saw that. Unfortantly, my family did."Nice Ed!" Emmett cracks up. Now people are looking. I stand up and listen to their thoughts. They just think that "Big scary guy" punched me and I was "brave" for standing up to him like that. There's just one blank space. I concentrate harder. No...three blank spaces. I look towards the two blank minds first and see none other then Jacob Black with a girl. I can't really see her, I only see long curly bronze ringlets. She's like Bella, I realize in shock. Since when was Jacob silent? Maybe Bella is a sheild...Bella!

I turn again and see my angel standing in the parking lot, waiting for something. And, yes, she is paler white then she was and she is wearing sun glasses. Her head turns in my direction and I see the flash of a grin. My non beating heart swells.

"Wow," Jasper mutters at the intensity of my emotions. They all look and gasp at shock. Vamp Bells! SUP! They hurry over, smiling hugly. I trail after them in shock. It's Bella. It's my angel. She's alive.

"Teddy!" Angel hugs Emmett. "Beauty!" She hugs Rosalie. "Pixie!" She hugs Alice. "Happy-Saddy-and-in-betweeny!" She hugs Jasper then looks him over. She sighs. "Have you been getting enough fiber in your diet? You look like you have to make a stinky!" Emmett bursts out laughing and Jasper stiffens in shock then relaxes, smiling slighty. She pats his cheek. "Better." She turns to me, her sun glasses reflecting my confused reflection. She nods at me. "Beeatch." My mouth drops and Emmett booms in laughter. Bella grins. My hands twitch. Her eyes. I need to see her eyes.

Bella catches the movement and glances down then back up. She shakes her head. "No Eddy. You were a bad boy. No treats for you!" She turns away after flashing another smile at my family.

A car pulls up and parks next to the ferrie Bella was leaning against. A man, 18, also in shades, pops out. He pulls them off, reaveling gold eyes. Vampire. He looks me over and glares at me. He looks at my family and his gaze softens. He smiles at them.

"Nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much." He shakes their hands and smiles again. They just stare uncomprehending back at him. Bella slides over to him and he puts his arm around her shoulder. My eyes bug out. No, Edward. Don't judge...yet.

They smile up at each other and Bella gives him a peck on the lips **(A/N Mom's kiss you goodbye on the lips all the time right? ...Mine does.)**. My eyes widen even more. I must look like what a deer looks like when we lunge at them. Complete shock.

"Hey babe! Bye guys! Come on Mason, lets get going to class." He nods and gives me another glare before they walk off together. I watch Bella trip over a crack and 'Mason' catch her. He looks like me. She found herself a copy. He took my angel! Then Emmett laughs. I wipe around, fury filling me.

"What is ON EARTH funny about this?"

"Bella's still clumsy! Did you see that fall?"

"Did YOU see her BOYFRIEND! He's an exact copy of ME!" Alice rolls her eyes.

"No dip Sherlock!"

**(A/N So that's it...the next chapter will be up soon with some more of Monica and Mark. :) **

**Simon: Don't forget about Tanya! She's coming in a couple chapters and she is sure to get Edward this time! **

**Me: ...At least, that's what she thinks.**

**Iggy: Tanya's an idiot.**

**Me: I know, right?**

**Simon: Right.**

**Iggy: Right.**

**Me: Cool. Bite on peeps! :3 )**


	3. Chapter 3: Drama and a Taste of Bacon

Chapter Seven- DRAAAMMMAAA

**(A/N I know I said there would be those sluts but...there isn't. At least, not enough...**

**Simon: Too much for me.**

**Iggy: *crosses arms* I would want some of that guy, David, right? He's so idiotic and stupid!**

**Me: Like you? It's Mark smart-butt!)**

**Edward's POV (It's the best, cause you can hear other people's thoughts besides a certain four people…)**

"She…I…left…Mason…babe…cheating…" I probably would have kept going but a flash of marble hit me and I stumbled back. I look up in shock and see tiny little Alice standing there, fury on her face.

"I said, NO DIP SHERLOCK! SHE FOUND HERSELF ANOTHER MAN! DEAL WITH IT! And cheating? YOU broke up with HER!" Rosalie smirks and I gape like a fish. Mmm fish…Wait? Why am I thinking about food when I should be thinking about-

"It's weird. They have no passion for each other. No lust. All relationships have that." My head whips toward Jasper so fast that if I were human, my head would have flown off.

"Don't get excited Edward. They have a very strong bond...just not all romance…she is very protective of him and he of her. The way they feel about each other is strange, different…"

_OMMIGOD LOOK AT THAT BODY! HE'S LOOKING AT ME! He probably thinks I'm hot, and I am. Way hotter than Bella. I'm talking to him NOW._

And up walked the first human who looked as evil as their thoughts. Besides like, rapers and stuff but… she had long dark hair and huge dark eyes. She had a tiny waist and was graceful. Without the pounds of makeup that coated her face, and the ton of mascara that weighed down her eye lashes, and the clothes that showed off cleavage and barley covered her but, and the heels that made her wobbly as she strutted, she would have been pretty. For human standards. But with that junk, she wasn't. And it wasn't just her looks that made her look evil, it was her eyes. They were dark and filled with lust and other disgusting stuff.

"Heeey," she purred. She ran her claws down my arm. Fortunately, my sweater hide my cold skin. Unfortunately, you could feel my muscles through it. Not that I'm buff. Emmett is buff. Me, buff? Last time I said that out loud, Bella cracked up. I learned my lesson when she couldn't kiss me or hug me or TALK to me without laughing for a week…

_OMMIGOD! HE IS SOOOO HOT AND HE IS TONED! _Grrrr, stupid girl.

"Hello." Simple, easy, leave me the hades alone.

"So…I'm, like, the most popular and beautiful girl here and, um, I was, uh, wondering if, like, you'd, uh, sit with me at lunch." Every pause she took was used for her to sigh and run a finger down my arm. I gulped in horror at her thoughts. Bacon? OMC, that girl was creative.

"What happened? Forget your lines?" Emmett boomed as he laughed. Monica shoot him a dark look then flicked me another glance. Flirtatious was the goal. Slutty and scary was the achieved look…

"No." Simple, easy, leave me the hades alone.

"Please?"

"No." Take a hint. I walk away from the idiotic girl. Alice scurries after me. _We have drama with Bella and Mason. This should be interesting. _Yes, yes it should.

**Bella's POV**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did you see his FACE? HAHAHAHAHA that was golden! OMICARLISLE! I loved that! Woah. And we have drama with them too, at least that's what Alice thought. I am going to go all bananas on him! Wah YA! EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FO FIGHTING, WE WERE MOVING AS FAST AS LIGHTNING, EVERY-

"Uff!" I scramble off the floor and dust off my if-human-it'd-be-sore-butt. Mason groans. "Sorry, but I can't control it."

"NOOOO! Are you sure?" I roll my eyes and flick his forehead. No need for sarcasm. We walk into the drama room and sit down. I slightly push a thought towards the teacher. _Put the new kids with the Cullens. They have the same last name…I wonder if they're related._ I added the last part so it would blend in with the rest of her thoughts.

I didn't tell you I could push thoughts? It's very difficult but my teacher was a weak human. But still, I was mentally tired. I need a-YAWN- a nap.

Alice and Beeatch walk in and the teacher sits them in front of us. Mason puts his hand on mine and gives me a look.

"The bananas will be eaten. The sun will set. Or…the world will end." That means "They will leave. It will go back to normal. Or…the world will end." Beeatch and Alice turn and give us a weird look. I keep my eyes on Mason and smile.

"Yes. And the Lock Ness Monster will go all wolfy on them if not." No…that doesn't mean anything…why?

As if to give meaning to my words, Nessie and Jake walk in and sit on the other side of them. Jake takes one look at Edward and starts shaking. Nessie puts a hand on his shoulder and he calms. They are perfect together. Dang it. I wish Jake had gone all wolf on them. Beeatch wouldn't stand a chance! Done the jerk goes and the wolf will be supreme ruler of the world and end all wars so that there is only rainbows and happiness and humans get along with vampires and bacon…

They sit on the other side of us and glare at Beeatch, stopping only to send smiles toward Alice. Alice beams back and Beeatch crosses his arms with a huff. He sends me wistful glances every once in a while. Like…every second.

"We are going to be making a DRAMATIC scene today! Add fantasy, heartbreak, and love! Start as soon as you are ready! Just be loud for the first sentence and we'll listen. Cullens, work with Bella Cullen, Jacob Black, and Renesmee and Mason Swan." _Isabella Cullen and the Cullens are defiantly related. They all look the same! _Sure, Dumbridge, think what you want. Double Double Toil and Trouble Dumbridge is a big fat bubble, dullable dullabe troil and crouble, something stupid yes she is! Nice song, huh?

"Okay," Alice squeals and throws herself around to give me a huge hug that if I was human would break my ribs. Instead all it does is make me smile. Ah, being a vampire…

"Bella…" I ignore Beeatch.

"I think we should have it about a narwal and a strip of bacon fall in love!" I sigh in happiness. Bacon! But Mason shakes his head.

"No, it should be about an awesome vampire who eats bacon and befriends a narwhal!" I nod excitedly.

"I love it!"

"BELLA!" Beeatches voice is SOO annoying and SOO painful. Smile. The whole class stops talking and looks over. The teacher grabs her grade book. Whatever.

"Yeesss Beeatch?" The class gasps. SHUT UP!

"Why'd you…why'd you find a copy of me? I leave you but 20 years ago and you're over me so completely? Bella…I love you." I narrow my eyes and stand up, jabbing a finger at him.

"You LOVE me? YOU BUTTHOLE! You left me in a forest 20 years ago saying you DIDN'T love me! That I "cheated" on you! As if!"

"Bella, I never believed that. I was dangerous to you and knew I needed to leave. I had to pretend to hate you and you saying you were pregnant was a reason. You could have cheated on me! But I knew you weren't pregnant Bella! It was impossible. I can't reproduce and no one was overly happy or re-living any memories about you in their minds. Only the same old fantasies."

"FUDGE YOU! FUDGE YOU TO THE PITS OF HADES! You still LEFT! You LEFT me. You said you wouldn't but…you did. Your whole fudging family!"

"I'm a freaking vampire Bella! I wanted to kill you! Your blood was the most potent, more delicious than any other…I couldn't be with you though I loved you…and I couldn't change you!"

"But you're stupid plan didn't work! I'm a vampire now! You left for no reason."

"Did he change you?" Edward was standing now, gesturing madly at Mason. "Did you only love me for my looks and when you found another vampire that looked like me, you let me go? Did you only love me because I could make you immortal? It SURE seems like that!"

"HA! No, he didn't change me! The Voltori did. Yes, Aro!"

"But the Voltori are evil! They could have killed you!"

"…I had nothing to live for."

"Yes you did. What about Charlie, your dad? What about Sue? And I thought you were dead! Your grave was in Forks, your truck at the bottom of a cliff!"

"MY DAD IS A VAMPIRE! AND THE ONLY REASON HE IS, IS BECAUSE YOU LEFT! Everything is YOUR fault. Nessie is your fault, Mason is your fault. Edward…I thought you LOVED me."

"Yeah Beeatch," Mason jumped in. "You were a stupid idiot. You thought she would move on singing show tunes. But she didn't!"

Edward snarled at him. "You STOLE my mate!"

And Nessie: "OBVIOSLY SHE WASN'T YOUR MATE IF YOU COULD LEAVE HER IN A FOREST PR-" I gasp but before the word could get out, Alice was in the debate.

"He did it for her! I never agreed but…he's my brother and I love him. Everyone was upset Bella! Esme never cleaned, Carlisle never worked, Emmett never joked, Rosalie never acted like a snob which is what we LOVE about her, Jasper felt so horrible for attacking you on your birthday so he kept leaving, and Edward…Edward never hunted. Never moved." Jacob growls at her.

"Watch it Pixie! Why didn't you force him to hunt? If he doesn't go hunting and a human passes by…" Edward snarled.

"As if I would kill a human, mutt!"

"You're a VAMPIRE!"

"YOU'RE a werewolf! And I'm a vegetarian! I only drink animal blood! If I drank humans, Bella would be dead!"

"She is dead, you leech! She is a vampire! And you didn't see her right after you let. A zombie…" Jake shuddered. I stepped forward, knowing this had to end.

"The thing is Edward…you did leave. You said you didn't love me. How can I ever forgive someone if they left me? You left me dead Edward. I couldn't breathe…it was like my lungs and heart was gone. I couldn't read or listen to music, they reminded me of you. I couldn't participate in conversation, every word cut me. I couldn't live Edward, because you were my life." I sat down and everyone followed, exhausted from this tiring scream-fest.

The class exploded into applause and we looked up in shock. The teacher was wiping her eyes and smiling. Okaaay...

"So realistic! And creative! A vegetarian vampire who fell in love with a human even though she had the most delicious blood. And leaving her! Wow, heart breaking. But she found Mason and a family then confronted with you two again. And he still loved her! You guys would try out for theater! AMAZING!" The class shouted their agreements.

I blinked in shock. "They thought this was an act," I whisper. Renesmee rolls her eyes.

"No dip Sherlock!"

**(A/N Hey! 1,810 words! Whoop whoop! I know this isn't as good as the other chapters but I wanted to include this fight sooo….**

**Simon: I liked it!**

**Me: Really! *smiles***

**Iggy: ME TOO!**

**Me: AWWW thanks you too! How about you guys? Did you like it? REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW! Come on birdie and vamp-y, what we rehearsed!**

**Simon: Bite! *smiles revealing fangs cause he's a vamp, duh***

**Iggy: On! *fist pump while he flicks out his wings cause he's a flying mutant, duh***

**Me: Peeps! *Smiles and does a peace out sign cause I'm still practicing shape shifting and have only done M-shift, not P-shift, duh***

**Iggy, Simon, and Me: :3 )**


	4. Chapter 4- Raine forgets about Bacon

**Bella POV**

So, la de do de do, I left school. Big whoop. I couldn't look in his face. OMIGOD IT WAS STILL F'ING GORGEOUS! Why me, why?!

Of course it was, right? Because that's what my luck is. More bad luck. Sigh, my sons mate is going to transfer to our school. Which is awesome, don't get me wrong. She's nice and sweet. Her names Kate, and she has long blonde hair and golden eyes. Kind of like Rose…

ANYWAY! The bad part, yes, I was getting to that. I don't want to 'be' with my SON! It's gross. Plus, he can't pretend to be with me if he loves her and she's there. I may be a crazy old bat, but I'm not cruel.

More big news. I can't look at Beeatch's face anymore! Dude, I want to punch that handsome nose in. Ahem…gross. Handsome nose. Yeah, I've gone crazy. BLAH!

But I have an idea! I ALWAYS have an idea! Always…'cept when I got knocked up…mmm I'm not the best role model, huh? Maybe you young impressionable humans shouldn't read it.

So, Charlie has the power to change appearances. We don't use it very often though, we like our looks. I mean, I have pretty long hair. I like long hair. I like, like, long hair. A lot. J

"Dad!"

"Yeah?" Ooh! Didn't interrupt anything did I? OMIGOD OMIGOD! Can't even imagine that. OMG! Gross gross gross! …I shouldn't talk about that being gross. Even you humans do it. We drink effing blood. Yeah, ew. It still tastes bad to me though. Human blood smells disgusting. At least animal blood doesn't irritate my nose. J That's good. I never wanted to kill innocents anyway. *Cough cough* If we can call some of you innocent.

"Bella! Take a plan home from Bellaworld!" Huh? Oh hey, look at that. I'm a drooling vampire! Is it venom? One way to find out….OW! HOLY SHIT! Yeah, that's venom.

"BELLA!" Ooooooh! Yeah!

"Hi Charlie." He gives me a weird look. I wave with a half grin. "It's time. Change my appearance." His eyes widen.

"They're here?" Yep. I nod. "Imma kill them." I shake my head. No, I will. "Okay, you will." See how we understand each other? "So, your pre-picked one?" Duh. "Here you go."

His gold eyes squeeze shut and suddenly, PAIN! I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning! AGH! HELP! IT BURNS! SO BAD END THE PAIN! HEEEELLL-

"Bella?" I crack one eye open. He looks WAY taller. "It's over." Oh. I run to a mirror and look at myself. I'm under five feet, petite and thin. J Awesome. Short people rock. I have bright green eyes and waist long black hair. My height is of a child, the pain in my eyes are no onger hidden in the hard topaz. Mmm, pain. Black hair. EMO!

"Dad. EMO!" He sighs. He knows what I mean. AGH! MORE GUT WRENCHING PAIN! AGGGGGGHHHHH!

It ends and I look down. Scarred wrists that I had while I was human. Never enough to kill me, I wanted to live for my kids, but enough to complete the completely depressed, suicidal, human.

I run up to my room and change. Black t-shirt, back skinny jeans. Black combat boots. Huge black sweatshirt. Perfect. I brush my long black hair, blinking my green eyes. Weird. Really weird.

**THE DAY PASSES AS I SHOW OFF MY EMO BODY TO MY FAMILY! THEY WORRY FOR ME, THEY TRULY DO! HAHAHAHAHA! I'M FINE!...at least I hope so.**

And it's time for school. New kid, all of Bella's classes and spots. My name is Raine. Raine Lee Rochester. J Cool, right?

I see the Cullens right away, feel their eyes on me as my tiny body is engulfed in the crowd. I read their minds.

_Stupid emo human. _Rosalie.

_She looks so fragile…she feels such pain…_Jasper. …And I do.

_She's tinier then Alice! _I hold in a giggle. Emmett.

_Aw, she looks lost. Maybe we can be friends…_

**_SUDDEN VISION!_**

_Raine slowly leans in. "I know what you are. I have always known." Edward blinks, shocked into silence. He regains his voice soon._

_"Are you afraid?" That is what he spoke to Bella._

_"…Why? I want to die anyway." And he's gone, far away from the frail human. _

_"You can't die. You can't kill yourself. You can't take yourself from me, Raine. You can't." Green eyes meet once green, now golden ones. _

_"You don't know my pain."_

_"I doubt that." Raine's eyes burn with feverish fire. Like Bella's. Raine is just like Bella. Where did Bella go? Edward loves Bella! What is he doing?_

_"You don't know. You will never know. Don't try." Edward sighs as he sits next to Raine again. He begans to stroke her face. _

_"I won't." Raine smiles. She looks much more real, smiling, less like a wisp a smoke._

_"Good." And they seal the agreement with a kiss._

**_END!_**

Idea!

I turn to my family that is catching up on me. "I'm going to get revenge on him!" They all roll their eyes as if they already knew.

"No dip Sherlock."


End file.
